"Oh, you want to become a French citizen? Wanna wear black and live in Paris? Cool, well we’re just gonna run some tests to see if you’re smokin’ hot enough to live here and then you should be sweet."
I’m convinced that’s how it goes. I was in Paris for three days, and the attractiveness never ceased. I initially thought it was just going to be the first day, as if the mayor of Paris was all, “Psst! All the hot people! Jake has arrived in our fair city, so flock to him at once! First impressions matter, after all.”
But no. No, no, no. Everyone in Paris is attractive. Even the people who would be considered unattractive were attractive comparatively. And it wasn’t even that sort of intimidating attractive, either, at least not in the end. At first, perhaps I was a little bit self-conscious, but in the end it just became a thing, and I enjoyed that thing immensely.
My entire time there was a roller coaster of emotions, just to sound a bit like I’m on some reality TV show. It was definitely one of those parts of this whole adventure of mine where my brain was like, “Shit. You’re in fucking Paris. Shit, shit, shit. How the fuck are you even here right now what is going on?”
And so much happened in three days that it felt like a lot longer too.
The first day was spent mostly in the Louvre because fuck yes. It was so ridiculous because it was all, “Hey I’m the motherfucking Louvre and in the time you’ve spent inside of me you’ve seen the Mona Lisa, countless Egyptian artefacts, marble sculptures from every-fucking-where, a zillion other things, oh and also a giant room with Lady Gaga stuff going on, just because.”
(srsly though my body reacted to being in the Louvre in all the right ways. ‘twas exciting and intense and I had a great time)
The second day was Disneyland Paris because firstly I’m a good friend and secondly I thought I’d give Disneyland another chance after last year’s… distaste for it. Um, yeah I dunno you should just go and read what I said about Disneyland California because my feelings were more or less the same, except possibly less angry but maybe not. I want to say I had a good day, and I will, and I did have fun, but I just… can’t get over how evil and exploitative it all is BUT I’M NOT GETTING INTO THAT AGAIN.
But it’s okay, because that night drinking and gay clubbing in Paris happened, and yeah I may have had a huge panic attack in the first place we went to (seriously I haven’t had one like that in ages), but then the second place we went to featured six of the hottest boys in the entire world who were hanging out with us and they were so hot and they were so hot and they were so hot and they were so hot and they—
Ahem. It was one of those situations where you just want to say, “Yes okay this conversation we’re having is great but would you mind gang banging the absolute fuck out of me? Thanks.” They were all coupled off though, which was somehow even hotter because they were just fucking hot as fuck couples and ahhhh I literally can’t believe they exist. I’ve got a super boner thinking about them, and I’m not even kidding.
Anyway, on the last full proper day there, all of Paris was done. At least all the things I cared about and wanted to see, you know? I dunno. So much walking happened. So much. But it was worth it, you know? Like, seeing so many things, and just… strolling around Paris like a fucking sick bitch.
I don’t even know how the timing of everything was so perfect, either. It all just… worked. I even managed to make a walking pitstop at Musée d’Orsay to see Masculin/Masculin, an exhibition on male nudity in art from the 17th century onwards, which was great, and not only because of all the butts and stuff. Well, that did help, but you know.
So yeah, Paris, ey? Like who the hell am I? Haha, like tonight I went for a stroll around London because I needed to clear my head a bit, and I ended up at Buckingham Palace, and I was sitting out front because I lost my keys and ol’ Liz 2.0 wasn’t replying to my texts or anything, and I just started laughing to myself because like, this morning I was in Paris, and last night I was at the Eiffel Tower just… chillin’ and stuff. And it’s fucking ridiculous. Life is so ridiculous. I’m not mentally stable enough for this stuff, aha.
So, things get weirder and weirder. Apparently that tower thing lights up at night. How “romantic.” (at Tour Eiffel)
I was just casually strolling around Paris this morning, enjoying the best macaroon to ever exist when this… tower thing showed up. Where did it come from? Why is it here? *shrugs* (at Tour Eiffel)
It’s like someone was all, “Hey! Every hot person in the world! Come and live in Paris in some sort of hot utopia of hot!”